i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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