OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm getting married
To pizza
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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