I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
