I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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