My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
