I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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