I wish my penis had an off switch
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I have post one night stand depression
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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