I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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