She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
