There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
