I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
