70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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