just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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