Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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