if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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