o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
