I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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