i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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