meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
