My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
