Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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