my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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