At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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