i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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