dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
