You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
