soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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