Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
