dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
