Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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