I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
