Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
