my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
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