You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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