im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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