i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
