I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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