I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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