I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
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Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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