I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
