There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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