Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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