I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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