Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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