im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
