Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
