pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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