She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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