He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
