I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
