The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
