I heard we made out
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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